Ten Things It’d Be Cool if the Oscars Did (or Didn’t Do) This Year, by Kyle Anderson

The Oscars every year are touted as “Hollywood’s Biggest Night,” but lately they’ve been about as boring as a blog post about the Oscars.  It’s already a pretty stodgy and self-congratulatory affair, but that’s no reason the show can’t spice it up a bit. Here’s a Decalogue of ideas that might throw some intrigue into this year’s forgone conclusion.

•    Replace irritating performances of the nominated songs with loungy, spoken-word versions done by William Shatner. Imagine his rendition of “Coming Home” from Country Strong. It fills my mind with glee.

•    Make the hosts, James Franco and Anne Hathaway, sword fight, the ENTIRE show, to finally prove to me they’re talented and not just likable and pretty.  Anybody can look good while saying things; a STAR looks good while saying things while fending off a rapier.

•    Change the name of the award from Oscar to Steve.  People already think the show is pretentious and smug, but if it were the Steves, it would be more accessible to the dumb, lower class masses who are super gross.

•    Everybody fidgets when the orchestra plays off a particularly long speech-giver, but what if it was like the Gong Show? If the recipient gives a particularly profound, funny, or moving speech, even if they aren’t super famous, they should get to continue uninterrupted until they’ve finished.  And conversely, when some dumb actor or actress weepily thanks their agent, they should get played off faster than Seabiscuit.

•    The nominees, on top of their work in film, should be judged on their ability to imitate Andy Rooney.  The topic, naturally, would be soup.

•    Combine the President of the Academy’s speech with the “In Memoriam” segment.  This way, arguably the part of the show people hate the most will be tempered by the part of the show everybody loves.  As an added note, people applauding their favorite dead person will make the President feel like he’s giving an extra good speech.

•    Instead of trying to yet again explain the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing, we should get five minutes of someone punching Robert Pattinson in the face. It will make the same point and be far more entertaining.

•    Every clip they show should be from a different movie than the one they’re talking about. Then at the end, the person who’s put them all in the right order will get the Irving Thalberg award.

•    Pixar should animate the whole thing.

•     Give out the Best Picture award FIRST! Fuck everybody up good and proper. No one will see it coming and it’ll get people talking immediately. And final award of the night? Best Documentary Short Subject. Seriously, who gives a shit? Throw convention out the window into a big pile of old boots. Let’s shake it up, Hollywood.

None of this will happen of course, but when you’re watching the monotony this weekend, think of these ideas and wonder what might have been.