The Super Mario Bros. Movie: It’s 92 Minutes Long Plus Trailers, by David Bax

So, the good thing, at least from where I’m sitting, about Aaron Horvath, Michael Jelenic and Pierre Leduc‘s The Super Mario Bros. Movie is that it doesn’t matter if you show up not really knowing what any of this crap is or what it’s about. This isn’t a movie made for die hards (though I’m sure there are tons of Easter eggs that flew right past me). It’s a movie made for kids. So if you’re planning on taking your kids to see it or if, improbably, you are yourself a kid reading this, you probably don’t need to go any further. For the rest of you, I will offer my cranky critiques of a movie you probably have no interest in or business in seeing anyway.

That kid-friendly approach extends to the animation and design of the whole thing. It’s all rounded edges; soft, rubbery and pliable. It can’t hurt you and would never even threaten to. The fantasy world into which Mario and Luigi, two brothers attempting to launch their own plumbing business, are accidentally transported, is like a G-rated version of Avatar‘s Pandora. The little ones might not ever want to leave.

Maybe the Pandora comparison comes to mind because of a similar ability of objects in this world to defy gravity. “So the bricks are just floating here?” observes Mario (voice of Chris Pratt) in one of too many self-aware quips, reaching a nadir when Donkey Kong himself (voice of Seth Rogen) proclaims, “It is on like Donkey Kong!” Jesus.

Worst of all, those little nods, references and observations are apparently supposed to pass for comedy. That must be the case as there don’t seem to be any actual jokes in the movie. The Marvel Cinematic Universe playbook of wry comments instead of real humor has become the dominant form of “comedy” in present day Hollywood.

One major update to the video game’s lore, at least based on my memory from the last time I attempted to play one of these games in the late 1980s when I was six years old, is to the character of Princess Peach (voice of Anya Taylor-Joy). By which I mean that she is an actual character and doesn’t need to be rescued. Like I said, I have no knowledge of the character’s role in any of the games in the last 35 years so this may not be an update and may simply reflect her current status. But, in any case, here she becomes Mario’s Obi-Wan or whatever capable mentor you prefer. In fact, maybe Morpheus is the better comparison since she obviously doesn’t die. This is a kid’s movie, remember?

So what am I complaining about? Maybe I don’t even know. To any discerning adult, it will be clear how hollow The Super Mario Bros. Movie is. It has little reason to exist other than to motivate you to take your children to a movie theater and buy some Sour Patch Kids. But, hey, movie theaters could use the business. Whatever, go ahead and go.