They Shall All Drown in Lakes of Blood, by Kyle Anderson

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3 Responses

  1. Sean says:

    I haven’t actually seen the entire film as of yet. I say the entire film because I worked on a bit of it. (the 3D anyway), and the parts that I saw were… for lack of better words, shit. But honestly, when was the last time you saw a film like this that wasn’t shit? Not arguing with you but sometimes it is good to turn your brain off and enjoy the film for what it is. Mindless, plotless, pointless violence with bad dialog and cheesy CGI monsters that are pussy versions of a kraken. But I very much enjoyed your review.


  2. Mladen says:

    As somebody who is a fan of Robert E. Howard’s Conan stories, and much of Marvel Comics’ Conan output, this film got some things kind of right, but generally the spirit was very wrong. An aspect of Conan (which the Arnold movies got completely right, mostly) is the fun adventuring spirit, the pure joy in being a murdering thief, which this film lacks. In the books, Conan goes wherever the spirit of adventure takes him, picking his alliances almost arbitrarily, whether he’s asked to lead an army, rob a church, or become a pirate king. Who will offer the most gold, who will offer the most beautiful women? He’s like a smarter, more muscle-bound and callous Forrest Gump.

    In this film, he’s too focused on the ‘origin story’, driven by revenge etc, which really isn’t an aspect of the Conan story at all, but the film franchises keep wanting to return to. Conan is a man driven by a deep joy for life (whether its in battle or making love to a woman), not hate. I completely disagree that the plot isn’t understandable, if anything its far too simple and linear.

    Momoa was okay, he looks exactly correct for the part, his physical movements were graceful and strong, and sometimes his performance worked for me. Especially the parts where he’s ordering the female monk around (much to excited squee’s from my fiance, who was actually the person who dragged ME to see this). I actually thought the sex-scene was completely necessary in a film like this (Conan is a man of PASSION, not chivalry), and if anything there should have been another sex scene with the slaves from earlier in the film. I actually thought the kid who plays young Conan was fantastic, and a pretty seamless casting for a young Conan, down to the facial expressions and body movements.

    All told though, the movie is dull, repetitive, and the plot too linear, and Conan is a mean brute rather than a glorious bastard. Oh, and the 3d is terrible (in one scene, Ron Pearlman’s moustache floats feet in front of his face).

  3. Rodrigo says:

    I saw the movie a few minutes ago, and cant believe that waste of money and time. Conan was one of my prefered movies when i was a child, but this is not what i expected…

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